bla bla bla the end!

BISMILLAHIRAHMANIRAHIM!

assalamualaikuuuuum and a very very good morrow!

How many notes written . . .
ink smeared like birdprints in snow.
not good enough not pretty enough not smart enough
dear mother and father.
I apologize
for disappointing you.
I've worked very hard,
not good enough
harder, perhaps to please you.
If only I were a son, shoulders broad
as the sunset threading through pine,
I would see the light in my mother's
eyes, or the golden pride reflected
in my father's dream
of my wide, male hands worthy of work
and comfort.
I would swagger through life
muscled and bold and assured,
drawing praises to me
like currents in the bed of wind, virile
with confidence.
not good enough not strong enough not good enough

I apologize.
Tasks do not come easily.
Each failure, a glacier.
Each disapproval, a bootprint.
Each disappointment,
ice above my river.
So I have worked hard.
not good enough.
My sacrifice I will drop
bone by bone, perched
on the ledge of my womanhood,
fragile as wings.
not strong enough
It is snowing steadily
surely not good weather
for flying - this sparrow
sillied and dizzied by the wind
on the edge.
not smart enough.
I make this ledge my altar
to offer penance.
This air will not hold me,
the snow burdens my crippled wings,
my tears drop like bitter cloth
softly into the gutter below.
not good enough not strong enough not smart enough

Choices thin as shaved
ice. Notes shredded
drift like snow
on my broken body,
covers me like whispers
of sorries.
Perhaps when they find me
they will bury
my bird bones beneath
a sturdy pine

and scatter my feathers like

unspoken song

over this white and cold and silent

breast of earth.

Suicide Note by Janice Mirikitani

my problems reminded me of a poem I learnt last year entitled 'Suicide Note'. it's about a person who felt that everything he/she did was 'not good enough' and that made her feel insecure of his/her life. yeah, sometimes I do feel the same way as the poet above. everything I do, it feels that it was not good enough and the people surrounding me always judge me for not being perfect, to my own perspective. then me myself would create a gap between me and the surrounding, making other people keep their distance from me. it made me think, am I the one to be blamed? am I the one who is wrong?

whilst me crying just now, some tried to calm me down, some to advice me. there are some good in their words, some are false, to me. crying would make me LOOK weak, but to me, it's not. by crying, it could make me FEEL stronger. if I keep all those emotions in me, just think, I would become all crazy with all the mixed emotions in me, without releasing them. that's why I hate people stereotyping on tears and crying. stereotypes are nuisance! why would people follow what the stereotypes says about this and that?! even kids, after they cry, they will hit the one who had made them cry and beat them to death...

which is better; control my uncontrollable emotions OR shut myself down so that no emotions can be expressed? I was and still am a crybaby. I hate to admit that but it's true. it's hard to nurture myself to be a more cheerful person once my nature is that who cries a lot. they said to control my emotions, and I asked them how. their answers doesn't answer my question. how would I change 'crying' into something else that in the same time, make me feel better? yet they asked me to keep it in. then stress would come uninvited. one more thing that made me shed tears, which is stress. from what? work and personal problems. when both of them are mixed together, then all hell breaks lose! just be prepare to see me snap and break into pieces,again. 

despite all that, just try to accept my weakness, but to me, it's my strength. crying never made me feel weak inside. although all eyes set that crying is weak. screw you. again, please accept me for who I really am. if you love me, you would never try to change me, unless it makes you feel annoyed or hurt.