long time no see, blog...

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bismillahirahmanirahim...

 long time no see, my blog. I kinda miss you. I kinda miss writing. informally, not academically...

 I've been pondering over some words that kept banging onto my ear drums since this morning:
"...those who likes to post so much are attention seekers/seeking for attentions."

 when I reflect that upon myself, I thought of something...
"maybe I do need some eyes to see me. to watch over me. to care for me."
it's not that I'm blaming the person who said this or something...
it's just- it hit me straight to the heart.
"was I being sincere...?" 

when I posted stuffs on Facebook, Twitter and such, honestly, I do seek for 'likes'.
why? because I need someone to notice me.
I would be kinda disappointed when no one likes my post, sincerely.

 I didn't know when and how did I become like this...
was it since my father passed away...?
was it since that unfaithful incident that I dare not to talk about it again...?

 when I think about it again, I've been hurt so much before... deeply.
even talking to someone about it won't make the pain go away.
even crying the seven seas won't make it calm.

 and I do realise it myself that I am THAT annoying.
and I'm sorry for being THAT annoying.
I can't help it. I wanted to change but changes take time.
I tried to change but when it comes to friends, the fake me will always lose.
I can't fake my personality to be someone that is nice and not annoys you.

 to me, friendship is to accept your friends' strengths and weaknesses.
if you fail to do that, then a friend you are not.
would a friend ask another friend to change, just to please the former?
if you do... wow, you are so egocentric!

 again, I know I am annoying, but ending a friendship or even pausing it to the point of infinity is not a good thing!
for me and for you!

 I already know why I love to seek for attention.
first, I already lost the attention from my one and only father. *al-Fatihah to him*
second, I lost so many attentions from my past friends. the fault was either mine or theirs.
third, I've been hated, mocked, cursed for so many times, till I felt that "what the heck! you think I care what you think? curse you back!" thing.

 please, I'm not boasting or bragging or anything, I am being the nice "me" most of the time.
if I did something wrong, proven or not, tell me. I'll try my best to compensate the damage that I had done and I'll try my hardest to change. just give me some times.
I love my friends. don't make me a social introvert and curse everyone who is in my way. friends or not.
that's all. thank you.

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