The Boy with Broken Hopes and Dreams
Bismillahirahmanirahim,
Not in the mood of writing actually, but I feel like I just want to let it out.
Have you ever got the feeling of the things that you love and adore the most broke, destroyed, or went missing from your possession and got lost? Yeah, the painstaking ache in your heart. You can't physically feel it. But it's there. In your heart and mind. 'Cause everything is in your head. Yup.
I'm tired of being hurt. No. Rephrase that. I'm tired of hurting myself. Not in the physical way like slicing your wrist or drug overdose. I meant in the mental and psychological way possible. One of them is through expectation. If you read my previous blog post, you'll understand why I say that. Expectation hurts. So does hoping.
It's hard to teach your mind not to think much about stuffs, especially in this ephemeral life. Nothing stays. Especially living things and things that you hoped to stay with you. I lost many for the past 22 years of my life. I lost my two favourite rabbits, my kitties, my grandmas, my aunts, my uncles, and even my father and my house (the memories of it). The loss fades but it came back sometimes and it hurts me bad. Even I can't prevent it to come.
The greatest impact of my life is when I lost my father 'cause the effect hit me hard after 5 years of losing him. The pain. Indescribable. Recently, I suddenly thought of how my father's voice sounded like and I totally forgot about it and I cried my heart out in a car, not caring that people are looking at me. Yeah, it does hurt that bad. 'Cause I hoped back then for an eternal life of my father. My father dying early was not in my mind at all at that time. But when I lost him, yeah, it hit me later and hard.
That's when I start to tell myself not to hope for something impossible. Like a promise. As a child, when someone promised to give you a piece of candy, you would be on cloud nine all the way. 'Cause they are giving hope to you. Same goes to adults. Promise is a big word. And I learnt not to give out promise if you can't fulfill it. Especially towards children. That's why I'm always scared to promise my pupils anything. 'Cause it can affect their trusts on you. And as a teacher, we would not want that, aite?
Even me myself experienced it. Why? 'Cause I expected too much from anyone. 'Cause I trust people too much. 'Cause I love myself lesser than before. I still remember what Mary had said to me, "Love yourself, Bambam." She always reminded me to love myself 'cause by loving yourself, you can cease hoping and expecting from others. Learn to be happy by yourself and for yourself.
I'm tired of being played around and hurt. Yeah, I do. I just want to be happy by myself and don't want to be given hope from people anymore. The false hopes. Stop. This has to end. Smile.
Not in the mood of writing actually, but I feel like I just want to let it out.
Have you ever got the feeling of the things that you love and adore the most broke, destroyed, or went missing from your possession and got lost? Yeah, the painstaking ache in your heart. You can't physically feel it. But it's there. In your heart and mind. 'Cause everything is in your head. Yup.
I'm tired of being hurt. No. Rephrase that. I'm tired of hurting myself. Not in the physical way like slicing your wrist or drug overdose. I meant in the mental and psychological way possible. One of them is through expectation. If you read my previous blog post, you'll understand why I say that. Expectation hurts. So does hoping.
It's hard to teach your mind not to think much about stuffs, especially in this ephemeral life. Nothing stays. Especially living things and things that you hoped to stay with you. I lost many for the past 22 years of my life. I lost my two favourite rabbits, my kitties, my grandmas, my aunts, my uncles, and even my father and my house (the memories of it). The loss fades but it came back sometimes and it hurts me bad. Even I can't prevent it to come.
The greatest impact of my life is when I lost my father 'cause the effect hit me hard after 5 years of losing him. The pain. Indescribable. Recently, I suddenly thought of how my father's voice sounded like and I totally forgot about it and I cried my heart out in a car, not caring that people are looking at me. Yeah, it does hurt that bad. 'Cause I hoped back then for an eternal life of my father. My father dying early was not in my mind at all at that time. But when I lost him, yeah, it hit me later and hard.
That's when I start to tell myself not to hope for something impossible. Like a promise. As a child, when someone promised to give you a piece of candy, you would be on cloud nine all the way. 'Cause they are giving hope to you. Same goes to adults. Promise is a big word. And I learnt not to give out promise if you can't fulfill it. Especially towards children. That's why I'm always scared to promise my pupils anything. 'Cause it can affect their trusts on you. And as a teacher, we would not want that, aite?
Even me myself experienced it. Why? 'Cause I expected too much from anyone. 'Cause I trust people too much. 'Cause I love myself lesser than before. I still remember what Mary had said to me, "Love yourself, Bambam." She always reminded me to love myself 'cause by loving yourself, you can cease hoping and expecting from others. Learn to be happy by yourself and for yourself.
I'm tired of being played around and hurt. Yeah, I do. I just want to be happy by myself and don't want to be given hope from people anymore. The false hopes. Stop. This has to end. Smile.
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| This is the boy with the broken hopes and dreams. |
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